Divorce as a metaphor

Cross posted with gooseandganderreport.wordpress.com

Scorched earth divorces, as discussed in the book, Divorced from Justice, start out by the spouse with deep pockets (SDP) and cutthroat attorneys cutting off the innocent spouse from any financial support. Then, SDP's attorneys throw every stalling tactic, legal (and not so legal) maneuver, and obfuscation at the innocent spouse. As her attorneys fend off the various maneuvers, her legal team runs out of funds.

While on paper, there are protections in place to protect the innocent spouse, the reality is quite different. Attorney Penelope Bryant wrote about coercion (see http://tinyurl.com/4t8pjbc) and the long-lasting, devastating effects on the spouse and her children.

I have been told that I should describe myself as an undocumented victim of domestic violence. Undocumented because like many others, my divorce court has routinely denied enforcement of domestic violence laws since my abuser is the one with deep pockets. So, even though I've attempted to just move on with my life after 26 years of marriage, my Ex has repeatedly used the court to deny me my rights to my share in the assets from the marriage at the same time he's forcing me to take his extortion debt, take his lavish vacation debt (think Bonaire, Islemorada, and Vail) and debt taken to hide his asset-hiding.

As I am struggling to fight back against my Ex, who took the entirety of the retirement assets, dissipated the value of the marital home by over $100k, and has tried to incarcerate me on several occasions for failure to pay utility bills in the dissipated house (think holes in the roof, kicked in doors, and broken boiler) even though I am financially destitute due to his court maneuvers, I can't help but think about how these scorched earth divorce tactics are similar to the seizing of assets and power by political bullies, most recently the GOP in Wisconsin.

As I struggle to fight total financial devastation and probable homelessness, my personal Patronus (think Harry Potter) is to channel Luke Skywalker trying to shoot the death star, in the first Star Wars movie. As he is being shot at by the Evil Empire's fighters, Luke channels the Force as Obi-Wan Kenobi implores him to focus using the force, to shut out the distractions as he focuses on the target he must take out in order to save humankind.

As citizens are attempting to fight against the takeover of our country by corporations (think Wisconsin and the Koch brothers), I think about the similarities between scorched earth divorces and the disenfranchisement of our workers, families, communities, and country.

First, the corporates took away many of our rights when they changed bankruptcy laws, allowing credit card companies (think Bank of America) to charge loan shark credit card rates and policies, then they reduced funding to such an extent to legal assistance programs that those programs still remaining had few resources to make a difference. The corporates bought out SCOTUS (think Bush v Gore), are trying to control access to the Internet, and ignore open meetings acts, and have used the government for unfettered attacks on whistleblowers.

They want us to believe that we have no option but to comply. Therefore, we must figure out ways to fly under the radar and cover the backs of those who still have resources to fight peaceful yet effective battles.

In order to survive, to preserve any shred of decency and life, we must prioritize and focus, yet decentralize our peaceful attacks. We need hundreds of wikileak-type sites. While we decentralize, we need to find ways to share resources to enforce ethical laws and practices.

More later... I have to get back to fighting my own legal battles. I am still not out of the woods in my own divorce. My Ex continues to stall, obfuscate, submit frivolous motions with perjured affidavits and has so far prevailed in the court system.

In the meantime, even if you feel you have no energy to fight these battles for common decency, talk to your neighbors and find ways to pool and stretch your energies. Our children are relying on us.

Update on courthouse corruption

Well, I wasn't incarcerated at Cook County Jail by my Ex's attempts at extortion. For more information, please read my update at http://www.bullyfatigue.wordpress.com

Unintended Legacies: Corruption in the courthouse

UPDATE: For those who care about justice for families in the Cook County divorce courts, I’d really appreciate court observers on Monday, September 20 at 10AM in room 3004 of the Daley Center. Abusers get away with their obscene tactics because there are few who dare to speak out. The greater the numbers, the more likely I can avoid being dragged off to Cook County Jail. Please read my story…

Karen Winner, in her investigative book, Divorced From Justice, documented the various ways in which individuals (primarily women) are eviscerated and completely disenfranchised in the court system, especially in the Cook County System.

My divorce is not famous like the Woods and Nordegren's. Like Nordegren, however, I am very concerned about the effects of divorce on my children as well as other mother's children. As a child psychologist, I used to write about how to help children navigate through the challenges of today's living and learning environments. However, because my Ex's behavior did not have media scrutiny (after all, Nike and other corporate sponsors needed to reduce the negative publicity fallout for Tiger), my Ex was allowed to get away with physical abuse, emotional abuse, willful deprivation, and financial abuse. Since the first step my Ex did was to lock me out of my private practice office suite, I was unable to earn a living as a psychologist both during the divorce as well as at this moment, especially since I have to spend so much time trying, without benefit of an attorney, to fend off his continued litigation. After taxes, I do not have any measurable funds from our savings to get back on my feet or support myself so that I can continue the advocacy for those with disabilities (as I have done for the past 25 years). What will I do? My Ex is poised to make me more destitute and homeless, so who knows?

The media is selective in what they cover. Unlike Tiger's abusive philandering, they apparently did not scrutinize OJ's abuse of Nicole Simpson until after she was murdered, probably because OJ was a has-been that minor corporate sponsors quickly dropped. Without a marketing team's press releases, and meaningful law enforcement, Nicole Simpson's only voice was from the grave, and even then they said it was her fault for "going back." When protections fail, Nicole had few options, especially with young children. Because of custody/visitation issues, she could not just disappear out of his reach unless she was willing to give up her children. But when Nicole Simpson finally escaped, she joined the ranks of the 70% of abused women who are murdered AFTER they escape.

Before you click away from this post, please read my story, as I believe that a governmental system that allows wealthy people and corporations to take advantage of the families that form both the backbone and the foundation for our country need to be held accountable. This is the first of what I hope is multiple posts to try to rally reasonable people in this country to take back their families, take back their communities, from the control of the corporations (including the media) that take advantage of those who do not have the deep pockets to hire "crack legal teams" to protect their rights. This is not just about divorce, but it is about mortgage lenders, credit card companies, school administrators, and other corporate interests that have deep pockets to bias the courts, even the Supreme Court, into delegating personhood status so that corporate bullies can continue to stack the legislative and judicial systems to get their own way.

How could my Ex get away with abuse? Aren't there domestic violence laws and protections? Aren't there laws that say that a wife of 26 years is entitled to half the assets? Aren't there laws that require that a judge take into consideration the wife's contributions to a marriage, require that a judge consider a person's future ability to be a contributing member of society when allocating assets and debt? It's all up to "judicial discretion" which is consistently biased toward those with the greatest financial resources, usually men. Every day, judicial discretion decimates individuals, families, and dedicated community members.

It is my belief that protective laws without transparency and enforcement teeth, are worse than no laws at all. That is, when someone in need of protection asks for help, reasonable people assume that the victim must have done something to cause the protections to not apply.

Because it seems the media is reluctant to report on the impact of divorces in general, my Ex was free to take advantage of his total control of the family finances, using the court system to "legally" (that is, via judicial discretion) take everything (via judicial discretion, the judge gave him all of the assets (failing to take into account a tax liability I cannot pay), and gave me over $100k of marital debt.

As you can probably deduce from the photo (recent surgery for rotator cuff and bicep tenodesis necessitated by abusive demands for me to perform furniture moving and other acts I cannot afford to pay others to do), I am an undocumented victim of domestic violence. In the Cook County divorce system, my Ex has seized all the marital assets of our 26 year marriage to continue his domestic violence via court orders. He told me that his goal was to make me destitute, and he has essentially succeeded.

My Ex has used multiple maneuvers, including what he has called his "crack legal team" to systematically deny me "level playing field" attorney fees, and managed to take 100% of the retirement annuity (but claimed in documents presented to the judge that a six figure annuity was worth approximately $1800). His attorneys withheld discovery, enabled fraudulent statements on legal disclosure documents, obfuscated any attempt to obtain funds for me to survive, perverted legal definitions of "status quo," and wrote meritless motions to have judicial discretion award him with exclusive use of a substantial part of the Winnetka home while I was forced to live and sleep in a doorless room and shower at the local fitness center. He bought himself copper river salmon and gave me expired yogurt to eat. I lost over 50 pounds, but the judge continued to enable my Ex's abusive behavior.

A year ago, my Ex used the court to force me to sign over disputed assets of $75,000 check from the 401k, under threat of incarceration if I refused,(all monies from 401(k)s are allocated to spouses as "alternate payees" in divorces). While he had promised that his receiving of these assets via an "agreed order" would be his preallocation of his share of the retirement, he had not honored his part of the agreement, which was to FINALLY provide me with support But then, after the judge forced me to sign over this check, in violation of Illinois Supreme Court Rule (13), after the judge allowed my lawyer to withdraw 1 day before pretrial, taking any and all monies I had to hire new counsel, thereby guaranteeing that my Ex would get his way with the judge, who does most of his negotiations off the record, in chambers, so that I have no opportunity to confront my accuser or challenge his fraudulent evidence.

His most recent "legal" maneuver was to refuse my request for a continuance due to recent surgery and then have the judge find me in contempt of court, to be remanded to Cook County jail on Monday if I do not pay Bill what I view as extortion. Quite a fall from grace for a Winnetka Mom and professional child psychologist.

Being unaware of the depth of corruption, I have reached out to many people to ask for help. However, when a whistleblower, Joseph Wilson, reported corruption, they went after his wife, Valerie Plame. No one has been held accountable for this, but the impact on our country, the impact on reasonable people, to stand against corruption was stopped dead in its track. Who can afford to have their families exposed for speaking out against fraud and corruption?

This kind of corruption is why we need everyone to contribute to Wikileaks.org. Posting documents can help reasonable people to reconnect the dots to root out corruption. If the very foundation of our country, the working and middle classes, are allowed to be bullied because reasonable people failed to speak out, our country will crumble.

Fleeting Pockets of Joy Amid the Abuse

This morning, I longingly looked out the window at my poor garden, overgrown with five-foot tall weeds. The weeds are so pervasive, it is difficult to see the pink and white stargazer lilies, blue balloon flowers, and purple coneflowers that have somehow hidden themselves from the voracious deer’s nightly feeding frenzies. And then, I saw it. An emerald glimmer of beauty darting from one orange lily to another. A tiny hummingbird, and then a florescent yellow goldfinch, visiting my garden which only moments before seemed hopelessly, irretrievably choked off from anything resembling its former self as a source of joy.

I remember how this garden evolved. When my sons were small, I would tend this garden after work as my boys played in the front yard and sidewalk. This garden was always known as “Mom’s garden” and it grew like my sons: starting out as dreams hatched while poring over January’s blitz of garden catalogs, then planting the tiny bulbs, seeds, and plants, full of promise of what they would become. Despite my organic battles with slugs, rabbits, chipmunks, and squirrels, despite my battles with the school district to provide appropriate educations for my sons, despite my desperate entreaties to prevent my husband from compulsively borrowing yet more money to buy his custom-made shirts while continuing to pay off a corrupt contractor bent on cheating us with an addition that would never be completed, my garden and my sons grew into sources of great joy. I allowed myself to feel pride as my neighbors would compliment me on my garden, bursting with color and surprise pockets of flowers that enticed Monarchs, hummingbirds, and goldfinches. I allowed myself pride as my growing sons achieved in school, sports, and Boy Scouts. Ashamed of my inability to have a home life like my neighbors, I hid my efforts to single-handedly rebuild the kitchen, to patch kicked in doors, to save money while he went off on “guys only” scuba trips to Bonaire, and to fend off the verbal detritus of never being “good-enough.”

And so, the festering winter of family dysfunction and divorce that had gradually sneaked into my life took over like dandelions in a yard during vacation. Shoved out, locked out, starved out, and cut off from adequate funds to defend myself in court and to pay my obligations, my garden and my relationships with my sons lay fallow. Occasional fleeting pockets of past joy would peek out as perennial flowers or furtive get-togethers with my sons tried to push their way through the choking weeds of dysfunction to sparkle in the sun before being stomped down by a neighbor’s dog-do or a nasty Narcissistic communication from the Ex.

How can it still be such a Siberian winter when it is ninety degrees outside? Even though my ex took essentially everything, the Courts still seem bent on perpetuating, bent on enabling the continued denial of equal treatment, denying due process to those who, like me, do not have funds to fend off scorched earth divorce tactics. Friends ask how this could happen, aren’t there laws to protect women in 26 year marriages? Aren’t there domestic abuse laws? Aren’t there laws preventing him from taking essentially all of the assets and retirement funds? What about the contributions I made to the marriage? How can the Court allow the father of my children to get away with taking everything, to get away with continued coercion, to get away with enforcing an unconscionable agreement forced upon me after continually denying me time and funds to hire adequate representation to protect my rights in court?

I only know that our legal system has become so inaccessible to those who don’t have deep pockets to fend off abusive legal maneuvers that innocent people, coerced into confessions by the John Burges of the world, sit on death row awaiting vindication. I only know that the Goldman Sachs of the country can avoid admitting guilt as they pay a fine that is a mere pittance of the funds they stole. I only know that students with diverse learning needs only get an adequate education if their parents can afford private tutoring. I only know that women who are abused are only protected if they have their own deep pockets, their own funds to hire top-notch legal teams complete with public relations savvy.

I have come to believe that protective laws without adequate enforcement are worse than no laws at all. Reasonable people believe that, because there are protective laws, if a spouse is denied an equal share of the marital estate or a suspect is convicted of a crime, then it must be due to clear-cut fault or guilt. Claims of coercion are ignored and lives are forever ruined. Only if reasonable people, such as the Innocence Project at Northwestern, persevere to challenge the John Burges of the world, are convictions overturned, but many lives are forever ruined because of our two-tiered system of justice. Most of those who are cheated out of justice in divorce courts are told their only choice is to walk away and start over. Corrupt divorce lawyers, pockets bulging with family assets seized through churning cases, are never reported and move on to the next case.

Unfortunately, my ex is apparently not done with me yet. It seems he will not be satisfied until he has kept his promise to make me destitute and not satisfied unless I am homeless. He continues to use his attorneys to prevent me from reclaiming what belonged to me, to refuse to uphold his end of the unconscionable agreement, and continue his legalized harassment.

However, I also know that in the middle of this July day, this ninety degree winter of domestic abuse, I found a fleeting pocket of joy today. As I longingly looked out the window at my poor garden, overgrown with five-foot tall weeds, I saw that fleeting pocket of joy. The weeds are so pervasive, it is difficult to see the pink and white stargazer lilies, blue balloon flowers, and purple coneflowers that have somehow hidden themselves from the voracious deer’s nightly feeding frenzies. Right there, I saw it. An emerald glimmer of beauty darting from one orange lily to another. A tiny hummingbird, and then a florescent yellow goldfinch, visiting my garden which only moments before seemed hopelessly, irretrievably choked off from anything resembling its former self as a source of joy.

I must remind myself to nurture my garden, to hold onto those fleeting pockets of joy in relationships, and realize that, despite my current life of destitution, I AM capable of new ways to nurture healthy relationships with my sons, of creating things of beauty, and giving to others to make this world a better place.